Welcome to The Confident Mom Blog!

I'm so excited you've made it here! I started The Confident Mom based on my experiences as a new mom with severe depression, anxiety and PTSD. This is my story.

On the day my daughter was born, I almost died. Literally. My baby would be whisked away from me out of the OR to the NICU. I would be left alone with doctors and nurses I’d never met before. I would start to bleed out in recovery. And I would begin struggling with post-partum PTSD, depression and anxiety. After the flurry of sedatives, blood, nurses, doctors and my tearful midwife holding my hand through it all. I would come to find myself on post-partum bedrest, with tubes coming out of every possible location. My delivery nurse casually mentioning that I would probably have PTSD and that I should just deliver my next baby by planned c-section. “Next baby?” I thought “I haven’t even seen my first baby yet!” 8 hours later, sobbing, I asked if I could finally hold my baby. I felt like a total failure for not being able to hold her immediately after she was born. I felt guilty that her first meal came from a bottle, not from me. I was angry that the doctors had ignored my pleads for a c-section for hours, as I pushed fruitlessly and became exhausted. I was in tremendous physical pain - barely able to walk, it would take me 10-15 minutes to walk the short hallway to NICU to see my baby. The guilt, the anger, the sadness, the pain - physical and emotional - consumed me. I felt like I had failed my child, my husband and myself. The doctors I saw brushed off my concerns and feelings as just another case of “baby blues”. When I brought up the physical changes, the doctor told me I was “just too small down there” and ignored several of my symptoms. With the help of my midwife and a public health nurse, I was able to start therapy and medication, and that helped, but a year later, I still felt like something was missing. I was happier, but still suffered dissociation (you know, that feeling that you’re super-imposed on the world, not really a part of it) and flashbacks. The happiness felt like a thin shell that could easily crack after a bad moment. A therapist recommended doing something very physical everytime I started to fade out. I would hold ice cubes in my hands until the pain brought me back to reality, where I continued to move through life still somewhat detached from my husband and child. I would break down over the slightest things. I was emotionally spent. I went to specialized physical therapists to help with the pelvic floor issues - that got intimate pretty fast. I felt like I no longer had control over anything in my life. The simplest tasks took enormous effort. Adding a baby on top of it? I felt like I was drowning and that I would never be “normal” again. I filled the sorrow with sugary coffee drinks, fake smiles and Oreo cookies.

In 2015, after reading several studies on how nutrition and fitness can improve symptoms of depression and anxiety. I thought, “If I could work on those two issues, that can only help me work on my PTSD.” I finally decided to take an opportunity for self-care through at-home fitness and nutrition. The routine gave me a sense of control over my inner turmoil. I started to feel happier, healthier, stronger and more confident in my abilities as a mom. One week into my new routine, my friends and family started asking me what I was doing differently - I seemed to be “glowing”. My husband hugged me and said that he hadn’t seen me REALLY smile in almost two years and it was so good to have me back! I finally started LAUGHING - REALLY LAUGHING - with my daughter!

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